I lost a friend today.
They didn’t die or anything. They simply decided we were not friends anymore.
I was told that it wasn’t entirely my fault, but the passive-aggressive justifications that accompanied the decision said considerably otherwise.
The emotional undertones were direct and to-the-point. I’m selfish, manipulative, and likely sociopathic. I don’t give others a chance to vent their emotions to me because I dominate the air filling it with everything I’m feeling.
I camouflage my seemingly obsessive need to shift the attention of others to me and my issues in the fabricated concern for those same people’s well-being.
Since I was informed of these revelations this morning, I’ve had other friends tell me that one person’s opinion is not the arbiter of truth. That assumptions and misconceptions can be and are often made through clouded prisms.
What I can’t help but consider, and I’ve spent the last several hours doing so, is what if there is some real validity to those accusations?
I’d like to think they’re not because I know in the course of my life there were many occasions where I wasn’t selfish and too empathetic with people at detrimental cost to me.
The natural reaction in circumstances like this is to be defensive and obstinate. But I’m trying not to be here, because that’s not the type of person I want to be. Being selfish, manipulative and sociopathic gains me nothing. I’ve recognized that for a long time.
And yet, if I’m capable of behaving that way, even when I see no value in it, and then do…? That’s a frightening thing to have to consider.
This is the primary reason I saved up to buy a new lens. I’ve always wanted to master night shooting, but the lenses I had weren’t up to the task.
I think my lil’ Nifty Fifty and I are going to get along splendidly once we figure each other out.
This was taken after the sun went down around 9 p.m. Got all of Orion’s Belt and a wee bit more.
Sometimes, its crazy how fast things can go from standing still to a million miles an hour.
Six months ago, I was so desperate to find work that when I got my current job, it came with the need to relocate to the middle of nowhere. Having been in the metropolitan world for most of my life, that was a bit of culture shock in and of itself.
I never expected this to be a permanent or even a long-term stop. I’d get what I needed to get back on my feet and moving forward again, and then move on.
Unbeknownst to me, it looks like that could be happening sooner than I anticipated.
It’s a surreal feeling to go from considered expendable to getting a fair chance and now having someone calling me asking if I’d like to move up to a major media market and being a part of the big time in such a short span of time. It’s not something you really plan for but you always hope it happens.
Now to just wait and see if it does happen, and then figure out the next move.
There are times where the press is lambasted, and rightly so, for not using the power it has to affect and impact social policy and evolution.
Then there’s times like these when it makes me proud to be a journalist and part of the institution tasked with informing the citizenry of the moments where informed action is not just needed, it’s essential.
I’ve never known until now where that idiom came from and I suppose it also comes with the notion of considering myself teacher material.
That’s not to further degrade teachers, as I know it’s about as thankless a profession as my own. It’s simply more the idea that I never figured I’d wind up being someone in charge of assigning homework or grading exams and test papers.
Part of my beat involves covering education in my current part of the world and after meeting with a class this morning, I went from being a guest, to an impromptu guest speaker, and now have a possibility of becoming an actual teacher, all in about 90 minutes.
It’s a weird and surreal feeling, in no small part, because I don’t have much fondness for school. I was one of those slightly oversmart, undersized and underpopular kids and my classmates never let me forget it.
The more I’ve thought about it today, however, the more intriguing the idea sounds. I still hold the few teachers I connected to in very high esteem and the challenge of becoming someone like that for the next generation is something I find to be a worthwhile one.
It’s way too soon to know if this will even pan out, but I’d be lying if I didn’t think it could turn into something cool.
I suppose, as the saying goes, I’ll begin at the beginning.
Aside from being a journalist, writer, and photographer and fledgling vlogger, I am one of the millions of people who struggle with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, and like a lot of those people, I’ve tried to hide it, suppress it, deflect and dodge it, and worst of all, make every excuse possible to not deal with it.
That act, probably more than anything has cost me some of the best pieces of both my life and myself. As terrible as that feels, it pales in comparison to having that persistent voice in my head telling me the same thing.
That I deserve it because this illness, and that’s what it is, can convince me in sometimes seductive or very forceful ways.
Perhaps the one thing those who question the severity of depression or the impact it has on the mind fail to understand is that the reason why we struggle with it is because the illness is often the reason why we make those excuses.
Even when you’re in the process of therapy or recovery, the mind rebels. It resists and fights back because the idea of changing it antithetical.
Over the last thirty years, I’ve bottomed out emotionally many times, each one a little worst than the last. Every time, I’ve made promises to those who meant the most to me that I would deal with it.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve broken them and every time leads to a need to overcompensate in order to prove that I won’t break them again.
Fixing depression cannot be done by the person who suffers from it alone. Along with a support system of friends and loved ones, there has to be someone else.
It took a few years longer than I hoped it would, but in a few weeks, I’ll be starting with a therapist and hopefully things will start getting definitively better. It’ll take time and a lot of work, but the alternative is continuing to not get better.
Welcome to my new website!!
It only took 15 years for me to finally hone my internet kung-fu skills enough to attain both my own domain and piece of virtual real estate, so here it is.
The goal is to have a place to post what I’m doing with the novels I’m trying to complete, the photographs I’ll be taking and other things I’ll be coming up with for the rest of the year.
That said, feel free to look around, leave comments, and let me know what you think! Tally Ho!!