Righting the Wrong

Depressing-Quotes-Depression-Quotes-0073-0075-221When you deal with chronic depression, a constant question tends to flood your mind, even on what are otherwise good days.

What is wrong with me?

It’s a question I’ve been asking myself a lot in the past few days, but not in the way you’d think.

To most people who’d look at it, the first inference of context tends to focus on the what, because it’s usually the part of the question which we don’t know or acknowledge the answer to.

What is wrong with me?

In my case, I’ve had a good five years now to do little else than figure that part out and from my perspective, the list of the whats seems to grows longer every day depending on how I’m feeling.

Editorial Note: For the record, on a good day, the list is about five or six things at best. The big problem is that they are so engrained through experience and time that they are part of who I am. You may not like that. Hell, even I don’t like it most of the time. But at this point, I’m working on just accepting and living with them as best I can.

When you spend that much time trying to understand yourself against the reality that as much we strive to be, no one is capable of achieving perfection for more than a moment at best, you then start to look at that question from a different angle.

What is wrong with me?

It’s one of those things that you can’t always be sure of, because it’s not something you have a whole lot of say over. If you’ve taken the time to attain any measure of self-awareness, then you should at least have some idea of how to correct your failings and short-comings when they’re presented to you.

If you sincerely want to be a better person, then you take those things to heart and make a concerted effort to make amends for them and the impact they have on those around you.

I honestly cannot remember a time when I haven’t tried to do that. Part of it stems from living with the guilt of failing the people I cared about over the course of my life, yet still managed to hurt.

It also came from the rather basic goal of just wanting to be a decent human being who people cared about and wanted to associate with, which I’ve never thought was a bad thing to aspire to, really.

Even so, there’s been plenty of moments where I fell way short of that mark and I know it. And when you take the time and effort to try and evolve into something greater, only to find it doesn’t seem to make any real difference in how your perceived or it doesn’t change anything for the better, the instinct is to presume that something is still wrong.

Something has to be wrong. Otherwise, why isn’t life any different than what it’s been?

The frustrating thing is not knowing for sure what that something still is. You can do all the self-inventory and assessments you want, but the answers ultimately have to come from the people who tell you there’s a problem in the first place.

There has to be the recognition that the wrong has been turned into a right. It’s not easy and sometimes, it takes those people recognizing there’s something wrong with them too.

What I keep telling myself is that I’m doing what I can and hopefully, things will start to change. In the absence of that, though, it comes back to the same question.

What is wrong with me?

The sooner I can figure that out, the sooner I’d can do something about it, my depression will start to diminish and maybe I won’t feel so alone all the time because, if I’m lucky, I won’t be.